Viva la Vulnerability: A Valentine’s Day Post-Mortem

So, Valentine’s Day was last week.

Have you recovered from the disappointment yet?

I’m kidding (sort of). But V-Day can seem like Judgement Day sometimes. And it has me reflecting on a Hallmark holiday that is fraught with pitfalls and precariousness.

It takes up one day on the calendar, yet the weeks of anticipation are anxiety-producing for many of us.  The event is built around an idyllic vision of romance and its trappings: The flowers, the dinner by candlelight, the wine, the thoughtful touches, and a bow-wielding, winged cherub named Cupid.

(Side note: Cupid has his roots in both Greek and Roman mythology. He had two types of arrows – golden arrows that inspired love in those who were pierced, and leaden arrows that incited contempt. Seems he, much like life itself, seemed to invite both clarity and chaos.)

This holiday can be rough on each of us for different reasons. First, not everyone has a sweetheart, and this can be a cruel, annual reminder. For those who have just started dating, it can be a self-conscious and awkward day of uncertainty. And for people in established relationships, the holiday’s heavy romantic expectations can be hard to meet.

All of this to say: February 14^th can be a wonderful opportunity to celebrate love, but it can also bring a deluge of disenchantment. As Martin Luther King put it, “There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” – and, I would add, a yearning for deep love. In other words, the more we hurt, the more we actually crave love…. so this time of year offers a fantastic opportunity.

Open your heart – both for yourself and for other people.

We’re talking about love here, people, and that means vulnerability. Which can be scary… but the rewards are absolutely worth it!

Brené Brown, professor and researcher at the University of Houston and a bestselling author, has become a noted expert on this subject. She points out just how central it is with this simple quote: “Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.”

This isn’t always easy. It can be particularly difficult in moments when you’re emotionally exposed, when your instinct is to protect your heart… to prioritize being safe or right instead of being open.

But opening up your heart has life-changing benefits, and it can all begin with:

Our intent.

 Intent is what gets the ball rolling when it comes to being more vulnerable (and, in fact, in any endeavor). It’s our lodestar: It orients us toward our goal.

Life rarely involves continuous progress… so there is a high likelihood that we’ll revert back to ingrained habits when we commit to improving ourselves. That’s okay. Even if we take a step or more backward, our intention is the beacon that guides us forward and keeps us on track.

At any given moment, we have the choice to be open-minded or rigid, to explore or stay home, to be safe or to be vulnerable – and if our intent is clear, it will inform and enable our actions. Speaking of actions, I would start with:

Asking questions.

So much of anger, pain, and disappointment come from misunderstanding. The antidote? Questions. They play an invaluable role in clarifying what the issue actually is – whether you’re asking yourself or someone else.

In the context of Valentine’s Day and its aftermath, some examples might be: What do I yearn for… and why? Am I helping myself or am I engaging in self (or relationship) sabotage? Do I treat others the way I want to be treated?

And two particular favorites of mine: Am I being vulnerable or am I being safe? If it’s the latter: Is there a way I can experiment with exposing my heart?

It’s important to be honest with yourself and peel back the proverbial onion. Take a bit of time for an unvarnished assessment of whether or not you are truly being open.

You can ask questions of a significant other also – though it’s most productive to focus on your behavior since that’s what you can control. Examples are: What could I have done to make this day better for you?  Where have I fallen short in our relationship lately?

Remember to be compassionate. Consider how a parent would offer counsel – gently, lovingly and with your best interest at heart. Be similarly kind in your approach – whether dealing with others or with yourself.

Get creative.

Traditional wisdom holds that in moments of conflict and stress, we have one of two reactions: fight or flight.  And while there’s validity to that, it’s a construct that was made up just over a hundred years ago – and we’re certainly not limited to just those two choices, particularly in matters of the heart. There are so many different ways we can choose to react.  My favorite is: Get creative.

The very act of foraging for imaginative solutions – for opening your mind to wild and wonderful ideas – opens up a virtually infinite number of opportunities. One great idea can give birth to another. Plus, it’s fun! Play with the possibilities and see where it takes you in your voyage of vulnerability, openness, and love.

“Get creative” transforms challenging moments into sources of learning and enjoyment. Because the truth is…

“Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”

I revisit this quote from Joseph Campbell often, because it’s an excellent reminder that it is in our areas of struggle that the greatest opportunities for growth lie.

We all want to feel safe and avoid pain. But in some cases, the pain offers a window into our hearts: Our deep-seated fears, our longings, and our unhealed wounds. Facing these head on can be scary… and it will make us feel vulnerable.

That’s a good thing, though. Because that’s where the treasure is. And in a way, discovering that treasure – and rediscovering it, over and over — is what Valentine’s Day should be all about.

And I know… Valentine’s Day is over. But so is the stress that goes along with it! So now is a perfect time to ask some questions and potentially dip your toe into the vulnerability waters.

What you end up gleaning about love, longing, and the beauty of being truly seen is often universal. It can fuel growth not just in your romantic life, but in every aspect of your life. And once you begin this process and understand the heartwarming and endlessly uplifting benefits of being more open… well, it’s a whole new ball game.

I think my friend and teacher Patrick Connor says it best: “When a heart is open and willing to embrace the world… in that heart, a crazy, wild, fierce abundance flows.”